Hello music lovers.
Ok, so I’ve given you all enough time to let this past Sunday’s award show that I’ve lovingly called “The Crappys” aka “The Grammys” mull around in your noggins for a bit. There were a few surprises, and one particular “You gotta be fucking kidding me” from yours truly. But let me just review what the Grammys will NEVER do. Maybe this will ease the mind of the troubled music fanatic like myself.
The Crappy’s will NEVER:
1. Give big awards to rappers.
2. Give big awards to teeny boppers.
3. Give big awards to people who use the word “Fuck” in the title of their song.
4. Give big awards to the controversial.
5. Give big awards to attention seekers.
So all the little fans of Justin Beiber, the bigger older Cee-Lo fans, Eminem fans, Jay-Z fans, Lil’ Wayne fans, Jonas Brothers fans, etc will NEVER see them get at the very least a Record of the Year award. I find it funny they can’t give a well deserved big name award to Eminem. They don’t deem him worthy.
BUT bitch has an Oscar. So IN YOUR FACE Grammys.
The Crappys isn’t about who’s popular for a win column. Yes they do NOMINATE what is heard on the radio but let’s face it. The Crappys love old people and people who actually can sing OR somewhat stay out of trouble and are likable with not much of a voice. The Crappys like people who are performers. Not auto tuned messes. Not rappers. And not the teeny boppers with the exception of Taylor Swift who well..she’s blonde or somewhat blonde (check those roots people). The only reason WHY they even nominated any of those aforementioned genres was to draw the young viewers in to watch. You hear that Beiberheads..they don’t care about you. They just want you to watch!! But as a whole you could pretty much predict how the way of the land went that night. It’s actually pretty funny. The Grammys also go with the “safe choice” for big wins. I will never forget..maybe it was 92..I think. Digable Planets won best rap album, beating out Dr. Dre’s The Chronic. Now for a youngster like me, I dug DP but come on, Dre was ALLLL over the tube and the radio that particular year. Still though Dre isn’t someone you can play around your parents. Digable Planets were. So they were pretty much a shoe in there. Now fast forward so many years to this one. Digable Planets have been replaced by Lady Antebellum. And the upset for Best Rap album has now been replaced by Song and Album of the Year. I enjoy LA’s music I do. It’s solid cd full of crossover pop/country hits that young and old can enjoy. No problem there. But to win TWO of the biggies. That makes no sense. It just doesn’t. There were much more deserving bands. Even LA didn’t know what to think of the wins. I know what to think: SAFELY CHOSEN. No controversy with this group. No one is in rehab. No one uses auto tuning. No one is walking in the band with crotchless pants. They’re sweet. And let us not forget last year’s clusterfuck of Taylor Swift’s wins. Again. Sweetness. And safe. Non controversial.
Every few years or so, the Crappys give an award to a “who the fuck is THAT?” nominee. You know, the one that leaves you with a scratching head and tilted head from going, I have NO idea who that is. This goes to Esperanza Spalding. The lady with the big ass fro and the jazz. I had heard of her prior to the nomination. But I didn’t think she would win, much like everyone else in this country who watched. I personally was SURE Florence and the Machines were going to win. I didn’t think Bieber stood a chance and neither did Drake. That kind of narrows the competition and really Florence in my mind STILL should have won. Drake has plenty of chances to be nominated in the future, although two years form now there will be another Justin wannabe. And the same thing will happen to him. And tears of pain will be heard throughtout the land. And if you heard a big boom that night, it was the sound of my mouth hitting the floor at Esperanza Spalding’s win. Only the Grammys. But I’ll be honest. I’m glad Justin didn’t win. No teeny bopper SHOULD win. Primarily because say 7 times out of ten they will disappear with the few exceptions.
Arcade Fire’s surprise win for Album of the Year proves that the voters do know in some respects good from bad. I think it was a HUGE push for indie music. You know, they’re the little band that could if you will. So that is a step in the right direction. Maybe AF can carry the torch.. and give the Popheads something else to listen to. Although their first performance was insane and gave me a headache. Flickering lights, a bmx bicyclist and people jumping did not play over with me too well. Now the ENDING song, yes. That’s a winner. I was still humming it the next day. Very catchy. Very easy. Nothing too complicated. Don’t you wish all music wasn’t complicated. But then again, that’s what keeps it interesting right? Right.
And let me say, Cee-Lo. The outfit. The bird. I didn’t know if Morris Day was going to break out with “The Bird” or if he was going to perform with Elton John in a Donald Duck outfit again. Seeing him do the bird with Morris Day would have been MUCH more entertaining then toothpick Gweneth Paltrow on stage. Really.. that was just a mess. Cee-Lo was on point as usual, but GP was just a hot mess. Climbing on the piano and crawling to him does NOT make her Michelle Pfeiffer in the Fabulous Baker Boys. It was one of those Yaaaaay/Naaaaaaaaaay moments. Cee-Lo: excellent GP: major fail. stick to starving yourself and acting sweetie, k? K. Leave the singing to the hubby PLEAAAASE.
So. Thustly. In conclusion. If you are a thug, a druggie, a rapper, a jailbird, a lip syncher, an auto tuner, or a screamer (not THAT kind of screamer) chances are you won’t win a dang thing. So if you keep in mind with everything I just stated, you should be able to figure out who will victorious.
But. It IS an honor just to be nominated.